Sunday, January 14, 2007

Too Much Information - I

You really didn't want to know this.

Seriously. Skip this post.

I began a cleanse today. Well, technically I began two days ago, but those first two days were essentially prep and didn't look terribly different from real life.

On Thursday night I went out with friends. It was a long since planned night out. I had always intended that the cleanse would start after it. (We went to Fogg & Sudds for some beer sampling. My first and last beers were quite nice. The second was lousy. The third was pleasant, but not really my kinda brew.

So, day one was pretty much hang-over detox. The first few hours of the morning were lousy, but the afternoon was fine. I had one last 'full' meal, which was a bit indulgent - a full chicken shawarma plate... mmmm good.
Day two - yesterday began with my last coffee (sigh) and included some chicken soup, celery and eggs - the last solid food for about two weeks.

Last night I shopped for and prepped some of the things I'd need today.

This morning I woke up an hour early and downed a liter of salt water. This is going to happen every day. I will say that it was more palatable than I expected. That's the best I can say for it. Half an hour later I was on the toilet spraying watery-shit like no-one's business.

I've been told that as things go on I'll be finding all manner of disgusting stuff in the bowl. I don't know if I am that curious. I know it's too early to find anything really disturbing, but I couldn't bring myself to look. After two sessions on the pot in an hour I was feeling like I was done and headed off to work, with two liters of what will be my only sustenance until I am done.

I have to drink about 100oz. of this stuff every day. I didn't even taste it last night to see what I was in for. As I write this, I am almost finished my first glass. It's not so bad. Not like I'm going to be serving it at parties though. If you've done the so-called 'Master Cleanse' you know what it is. Squeeezed lemons, real maple syrup and cayenne in water. Frankly ther is more cayenne than I'd like, but it's totally drinkable and far from unpleasant. Far nicer than salt-water.

Twenty-minutes after I got to work I was ready for a follow-up trip to the loo.

Here's where things began to get ugly.

I still didn't look. But hoooo! The smell! Ohmigod! A bit like paint thinner, but with a definite over-tone of shit. That cannot be good for you. I don't know what the smell was, but it simply CAN NOT be good. My optomistic theory is that the last of the salt water soaked into some of the impacted fecal matter in the bowel and when it came out brought it along. Just a theory. But - and here's the most disturbing part - if this is the case, that was merely the upper-most portion of said matter. Perhaps only days - maybe weeks - old. What is it going to be like in a few days as the cleanse loosens up more of it and the saltwater flush washes deeper, more impacted (and hence more dense), longer putrifying matter? Imagine THAT smell. Not looking forward to that.

I don't really know what is in store for me as this continues on, but I'm nothing but curious. Hunger hasn't really hit yet, but I expect that before the day is out I'll be into the beginnings of the worst of it - I'm told it doesn't actually last long.

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